philter \FIL-tur\, noun:
Some things you can feel coming. You don't fall in love because you fall in love; you fall in love because of the need, desperate, to fall in love. When you feel that need, you have to watch your step; like having drunk a philter, the kind that makes you fall in love with the first thing you meet. It could be a duck-billed platypus.
-- Umberto Eco.
I thought that I was past the risk and opportunity phase of my life, until recently.
Lately i've been spending many a day thinking tirelessly in my own mind wondering what was wrong within myself, why was life still a struggle and not fulfilling enough even though id earned my career 4 years ago and I was on a successful path? Why do I come home at the end of every week, get in bed, roll up, shed a few tears and not want to face the world all weekend? Why is my life becoming so unrewarding that even speaking is becoming exhausting? A few weeks a go i reached breaking point, and decided to shut myself off from the world.
Some put my behaviour down to 'birthday blues' (not wanting to turn 27 get old), Maybe the pressure of everyone around me getting married and having children might be adding to my loss of fulfillment... all wrong.
The short story is, I'm an artist, and a teacher, I have a million strings to my bow (I've studied non stop, completed 4 different courses, and been in uni for 6 years of my life) and the overall problem is - I'm restricted to be myself in all that i'm doing with my life at the moment, restricted to create. How can i possibly let myself be restricted forever? My teaching job is that full on and that full time, i can't seem to find the time for myself, to be myself, do what i love.
I can't exactly pinpoint when my brain finally started working again and at what precise moment I woke up, but I did and I'm thankful. Over the next year I face major risks and I'm taking life changing chances but I'm bloody looking forward to the awaiting opportunities coming my way. And i've already made some changes...
I've decided to quit teaching, go back to uni yet again and become my own boss. Drastic yes, and right - absolutely.
Not everyone who knows me has been quite so supportive, some haven't even uttered a word or even give me a facebook 'like' since breaking the news via a status. I've heard it all the last few weeks... " Ohhh, every jobs hard, you're giving up too early... you have a very professional job are you sure you can you cope with take a step down and be looked down upon by others... what about the money... what about the holidays... studying again... you don't really want a real job your just biding you time to never work again...What if it doesn't work out..."
But what about if it does?
HOW ABOUT, I'm wasted, i work in a place that i cant practice what i've spent all my life working towards, paying towards and achieving great things in! Why can't i quit my job and bloody earn more rewards and achieve even greater things? Why the hell do i have to stop creating, exploring, dreaming, making just because i now have a 'proper' job, just because you don't agree doesn't mean i have to stop everything i love, everything I'm good at just so i don't offend delusional 'by the book' robots??
I couldn't give a ratssssssssssss asssssssssssssssssss. I'm great at what I do and i'll bloody do it. Maybe if some people took risks and chances they might not be so unfortunate, so boring, so uninspiring, so wrapped up in being negative all the time, and maybe they could have achieved greater things. There's no limit on when to stop. So don't tell me to. Coz i'll just do it anyway.
And I have. Get over it.
Life in education has stripped me of who I am. Teaching owns my life, i don't, it has me tied up and it puts my creativity and personality in a box, right next to me, where i can see it but i can't touch it. If i want to touch it, i have to jeopardize big political uproar. Opening it up to explore and dream, it will come at a price, i can't just have it when i want it, it doesn't come first, i don't come first, and until i become untied i won't ever be able to touch it. So that's why I'm untie-ing myself and I'm grabbing my box and I'm running with it, to a safe place where I'm going to open it again, and I'm going to let it all spill out everywhere. No one should ever pack away what makes them, them, and not be allowed to ever touch it again.
I'm gong back to what i do best and this time I'm gonna blast it right up the bot bot and I'm gonna love every minute until i can't cut, stick, write, draw and photograph any longer... I'l do it til i die.
All will be revealed soon... so watch this space. In the meantime I have a calendar with 30 weeks marked out, thats the amount of time I have until life begins again... and my box will burst open and I can be me again.
Thank you to everyone who believes in me. I owe you the world.
A few quotes to help along the way...
He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes the furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The 'sure thing' boat never gets far from shore.
Playing safe is probably the most unsafe thing in the world. You cannot stand still. You must go forward.
If you never budge, don't expect a push.
One of the reasons mature people stop learning is that they become less and less willing to risk failure.
It is true that when we take chances, we stand to lose. But it is also true that we will never win anything if we never even enter the game.
Do you want to be safe and good, or do you want to take a chance and be great?
If you play it safe in life, you've decided that you don't want to grow anymore.
No gallant action was ever accomplished without danger.
If you want to achieve a high goal, you're going to have to take some chances.
When you play it too safe, you're taking the biggest risk of your life. Time is the only wealth we're given.
Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.
Recently came across Glogster, another handy teaching tool. Not english, and its a bit pricey to purchase, but i'll use my 30 day free EDU trial to the max... Above is an artist handout i put together, pretty darn visual...
Here's a bit about it...
Glogster is a social network tool that allows users to create free interactive posters, handouts, or glogs as their known. A glog, short for graphical blog, is an interactive multimedia image. It looks like a poster, but readers can interact with the content. Glogster provides an environment to design these interactive posters. The user inserts text, images, photos, audio (MP3), videos, special effects and other elements into their glogs to generate a multimedia online creation. Glogster is based on flash elements. Posters can be shared with other users on the site, embedded in external wikis or blogs, and shared via many social networks such as Facebook and Twitter. Glogs can also be exported and saved to computer-compatible formats.
To my beautiful sister, Eloise. Wishing you all the great things in life, hope your 19th birthday will bring you an extra share of all that makes you happiest (including Joelle's cement cake. ) Love you millions x
The most important gift of all... My Dad. Words cannot express his gentleness and kindness that helps and guides me through my life through the good times and the bad (and the poverty stricken petrol and food times) You are defo one in a million just wish you didn't have to live so far away so I could hug you more. Love you to ends of the earth dad x
Last week the signal in our apartment block vanished for more than a week.
Yes to begin with i admit it was hard, we come in after work, and its the first thing we do, turn on the box, and its the last thing we do before we go to bed, switch it off, yes it was difficult and me and my partner were actually wondering 'what we were going to do' in replacement?! I even brought out a jigsaw first day i was that much in shock.
Downstairs there were notes from other apartments on the communal notice board complaining, moaning, threatening... and hands up on day 2 i did ring up the apartment officer to report it (i wasnt the first), but straight after i did wonder why i was making a fuss and why was i even bothered... i was actually enjoying the peace and quiet and - i should probably enjoy it to!
It didn’t take long to get used to life without the Tv. When talking to family and friends about it, the question arose again... “What are you doing instead?”. It was a similar question to what we were asking ourselves previous... what shall we do? what are we gonna do?...
It made me think more about it a bit more... Yes it’s an easy one to answer, but in many ways, i find it quite sad that i actually have to answer it!! – and i just thought to myself, do we, or do people in general honestly have no life beyond Tv nowadays? and have we got into such a habit of relying on Tv to communicate, or not to communicate?
Like i've outlined before I think excessive internet socialization can have the same negative impact as now i'm having with my Tv — its filling a void.
No Tv show can compete with the stimulating conversation which me and my partner engaged in that week, listening to each other properly, having lengthly conversations about our day, laughing, we cooked together, we read, we went for walks, to the cinema, we relaxed, listened to the radio... are all these becoming past times now? are WE numbers in a culture that is media obsessed?
Anyway, after a week I started to feel that not having a glowing television and white noise beckoning me allows me freedom within myself, to find peace, rest, give myself time to think, become creative... But... I know i, 'AM' to blame, it is my fault to become a number within this world to become glued to the Tv, and it's only me who can break it....
If it was just me, In the words of Phone jacker... I'd sell the 'looka deu tuv' tomorrow but, jointly we've have decided Wednesday is the only NO Tv day.
Before i start... Powerpoint - your death is imminent. Take note.
***Calling all teachers, designers, and anyone who delivers presentations and uses powerpoints on a daily basis!
Prezi, i promise will be your new tool for delivery.***
Prezi is a web-based presentation application and storytelling tool that uses a single canvas instead of traditional slides. You can insert Text, images, videos and other presentation objects and place them on an infinite canvas. The canvas allows you to create non-linear presentations, and you can zoom in and out of this "visual map." You can make pathways through different objects and frames, so you can represent the order of the information to be presented.
Anyway enough selling, follow the link and get creating... you'll be impressed!
P.s. my image is the top one, obvs not as good as the one below, but i haven't finished yet and i'm just a beginner! I'm creating a "mind map" for every art project i do with KS3 and GCSE. It's great because it all in one place, i can upload you tube clips, powerpoints i've already created prior, apply key words, images, task boxes... it's endless! Plus the kids will love the visuals. It is a must for teachers!
Ok so squeezing the tear from the mermaids eye wasn't as easy as maybe catching a tear from my eye during this movie. oh dear oh dear. What major disappointment, i nearly cried from all the cheese. Don't say i didn't warn you if you decide to spend £15 of your money on this movie.
Yes undoubtably captain jack once again humored our hearts, but the rest, pretty boring. I realized this possibly about 25 minutes in... and it was a long countdown from there.
But... and it's a small but, i did enjoy the mermaid scene, i don't know if thats because my aspiration as a child was always to become a mermaid or because it was the most ferocious part of the film? either or the rest of it still sucked.